“Ways of Escape”: A Dialogue on a Train

A: Nice pictures!

B: Thank you! Yes, we just got back from tropical island Z; it was great!

A: Great?

B: Well, yes, we had a good time. I mean, the kids were a bit rowdy, and I was... you know, to be honest, I was in a sort of a foul mood for most of the week; but it was a beautiful place, nevertheless, and overall we enjoyed ourselves - a lot!

A: How come that you went there?

B: What do you mean?

A: What led you to choose tropical island Z – to go there? How have you heard of it, if I may ask?

B: We’ve seen pictures of it, and heard some stories from people who’ve been there... you know?

A: Yes, but, if I may ask - why did you go there (as you could have gone somewhere else)? Or, better yet, why go anywhere?

B: I’m not sure I understand your questions...

A: I’m sorry; it’s just something that preoccupies me... Why go anywhere? Or, why not go somewhere closer to home – some park...?

B: Well, you know, the image of a tropical island... the white sands, the endless blue ocean, a few white clouds scattered over the otherwise clear blue sky, the palm trees - all that... It’s – you know - the ideal image, isn’t it?

A: Yes, “ideal” is a good word for it.

B: What do you mean?

A: That “ideal” is a word that we use to indicate an image that we project of, of...

B: ... of the perfect spot?

A: ... of perfection, rather. You see, that’s what interests me about all this – the reason why I ask; namely, why do we create for ourselves such images, why do we chase such images?

B: I'm not sure that I get what you mean.

A: Well, you said that you saw pictures of this place (I suppose, on social media), and I would say that they probably resonated with something... something in you (sorry to presume, but I assume...)

B: Well, yes, yes! I always wanted to go to one of those places...

A: Who wouldn’t?

B: ... white sands, blue ocean, palm trees – I mean, this is the kind of place that you see in the movies: where people retire, at the end of the heist movie, after having escaped the cops – and then they buy a bar there, and spend their lives on the beach – or?

A: Indeed, indeed – right you are. But... now that you’ve been there, is now – I mean, is that need, that desire for these kinds of a places - is it now... fulfilled?

B: Need? Desire? What do you mean, exactly?

A: Well, like you mentioned – the need or desire that made you “always want to go to one of those places”... (and me as well, by the way; I am no different).

B: Well, it’s a nice place...

A: Yes, but you mentioned “ideal,” and movies... That’s what I am referring to – the apparent need (shared by you, me, and those moviemakers) that drives us all toward such “ideal” places.

B: ...

A: And yes, yes, I know that they’re nice. But, here it is – we go to the pristine beach, to a spectacular waterfall, to the virgin forest, or to the icy-blue mountaintop – and, does that "need" ever cease? Is it ever... fulfilled? Do we ever just go there, and then just... sit and rest, as it were ... accomplished, fulfilled... complete?

B: Ha, ha - well, I can’t say that you are not right, in a way, you know? Truth be said, while I am still living off the sensory memories of the warm days and starry nights spent on the beach (not staying up too late, though, because we had to put the kids to sleep), I know that in a couple of months me and my wife will start thinking about our next destination...

A: Yes, yes, that’s what I mean...

[A seems to be looking for the right words... Brief silence.]

A: Well, you know, the reason why I’m asking... You mentioned that you saw those pictures, of tropical island Z, online somewhere.

B: Yes.

A: My question is, why do we post these kinds of images... – besides the fact that they’re nice (which they are!). What I am referring to is – did you notice that every day we are, I don’t know, bombarded by not just nice images, but news stories, pretty videos, inspirational messages about ... some place, some people, some things, some ways of doing things...

B: ...

A: You know, those news stories about... about how in Finland, for example, they have eliminated homework in their schools, and how that has created the “best educational system ever”; or how in Italy there is this valley where people live to a hundred years, and we wonder about their diet and their lifestyle, and what we could take over from their habits; or how in Japan the transportation minister resigned last year (or was it the year before?) because the trains had a cumulated delay (across the entire year!) of one minute and thirty seconds...

B: ... yes, and?

A: ... or how, according to studies done by some British researchers, this or that country in Scandinavia is considered to be “the happiest” in the world...

B: ... yes, and?

A: Or, or – and I promise that I’ll end with this – how about those videos made by that young Chinese woman, showing us the simple rural life, and how to cook using only simple tools and natural ingredients...

B: And?

A: Well, aren’t these just as much “ideal places” (or ways of being, or of doing things), not unlike your tropical island Z? “Ideal images” that we keep sharing, and reading about – always trying to find – the next one?! (And, my question is - why?)

B: What do you mean?

A: Well, my question is - why this endless stream of stories, images, messages, coming at us every day, all proposing some other place, other life, other country, other way of, I don’t know, being?

B: Because these are models of how to live better, or where to live better, and so on! ...aren’t they?

A: Yes, but once we learned about them - and once we start doing that diet, or after we move to country X in Scandinavia... well, does our search actually end, then? Are we satisfied, fulfilled, finito - done?

B: Well, no; clearly not. In fact, the place where we live right now, in this country – me and my family just moved here a couple of years ago from...

A: But that’s it!... Sorry to interrupt you – but that’s exactly it! That’s what... that’s what’s been keeping me up at night, lately – or, to be honest, for the past couple of years, in fact.

B: Really? What, more precisely?

A: Well, trying to think about, and to actually get to terms with, the fact that we are engaged in this, I don’t know, seemingly endless pursuit, never satisfied by anything that we find. Trying to understand why it is so. What we are chasing. Or, better yet, why we are engaged in this chase – what is driving or chasing us...

B: You mean, why are we always, even if we go to any of these places, still... I mean, why do we remain “hungry” for more?

A: “Hungry”! – “hungry” is a good word! Well, yes, what is this  - as you said - deep “hunger,” or need, or whatever it is, that fuels this endless chase – for some thing or things that seem to always remain just a bit too far, just beyond our reach, just there, around the line of the horizon... So, I’ve been asking this... it's been preoccupying me...

[Pause. They sit in silence, glancing through the window of the compartment at the fields that are rushing past their train.]

A: [breaking the silence] Are you familiar with Graham Greene? The writer?

B: No...  well, I’ve heard the name, but I do not know much about him...

A: A great writer... Anyway, one of the volumes of his memoirs is titled, “Ways of Escape.”

B: “Ways of Escape?” Why, why did he call it that?

A: It’s called that because it chronicles the many ways in which Greene had been running - trying to run away...

B: Running away from what?

A: Away – from his native England, from his wife, from the Western world (the book was written around the middle of the twentieth century – or that’s when those things took place), from... well, at the end of the day, from himself, actually; he was trying to run away from himself, in fact.

B: And (just out of curiosity) where did he try to run away?

A: Well, to the Far East, to various instantiations of the “Third World” (as it was then called) ... but, you know, not just to places, but to things, ideas, persons; for example, to a beautiful Vietnamese mistress, to causes and revolutions, to opium dens... Opium -  what more of a “way of escape” can one even think of!

B: Not very much of a way of escape, I would say; more of a way of self-enslavement.

A: Well, yes, long-term; but, for the moment, I guess it works - as an escape.

B: So... what about it? Why did you bring this up – Graham Greene?

A: Because, while at the end of the day all these “ways of escape” turned out to be futile, fruitless (so, it is kind of sad, his story, overall) – what I do admire about him is the courage to... you know, to look at himself and at his life and at his deeds, to look them “in the eyes,” and to acknowledge - and also to share with us – that these were actually attempts to “escape.”

B: But why was he trying to escape – all those things?

A: That, I think, is the right question - it’s good that you put it that way; not “where,” not even “what from” – but “why.” Well, I contend that his frantic attempts at escaping are no different than our own attempts at chasing the ideal place, or thing, or person, or manner of doing things – the things that we’ve been talking about. And also that, just like in Greene's case, no matter where we go, and what we try to do... [smiles]

B: What? What are you smiling about?

A: Well, I was just thinking: do we really care about... the transportation system in Japan? Does any of us one just toss and turn, night after night, waking up in a sweat, torn by the crucial question of how to reform the transportation system in our country?

B: Ha, ha, ha... no, clearly not...

A: Because that’s not the point, is it – the transportation system in Japan? That is not the reason why we both heard that news story, a while ago, and paid attention, and remembered it! And the same with the Finnish educational system, and so on, and so on... It’s not what these stories are about, but that they seem to illustrate a country or a place where “things have been solved,” where everything works just fine; again, an “ideal place," only - just another version of it...

B: Yes, I would agree.

A: So, the issue, in fact, is not so much about the “what” or the “where,” but about - what's with this seemingly endless pursuit for things that always seem to leave us ultimately unsatisfied, unfulfilled,  "incomplete." 

B: Ha, ha! “You complete me!”, said Tom Cruise to Renée Zellweger...

A: ...in “Jerry Maguire!” Exactly! And then, of course, the movie ends.

B: But, it turns out (or it would, if the movie would have a sequel) that, well, she did not actually (and eventually) “complete” him...

A: Nor him, her.

B: Indeed. Look, I am married – even, what they might call, “happily married;” but, like you said (and, the more I listen to you, the more I understand what you mean, or so I think), this restless search, truly, never ceases. I mean, we care deeply for each other, me and my wife (even after all these years) - but that chase, as you called it... continues; only now, we do it together. It does not cease... and I wonder why.

A: Me, too, I have been wondering about this, and looking for answers.

B: And, what have you found?

A: Well, some things... How shall I explain... Well, look – if we take all these examples we mentioned – tropical island Z, the Finnish educational reform, or the Japanese transportation system – what do all these things have in common?

B: Well?

A: Well, they all seem to be variations of the same thing...

B: Of the same thing? How? What do you mean?

A: Well, they all seem to be – how shall I put it... “horizontal” things, horizontal “ways of escape.”

B: “Horizontal”?

A: Well, I am trying to express myself as clearly as I can... “horizontal,” meaning variations of the same kind of thing... different places, different times, but always variations of the same... – and always remaining “outside” of us, as it were...

B: “Outside”? How?

A: Think about it: you go to this pristine beach, or to that wonderful waterfall, or to that ancient forest - but, these are just varieties of “places”... Or, you find another way of doing this thing or that thing – but these are just varied ways of “doing things”... Here’s the thing (and I am really struggling here, trying to express my thoughts and feelings as clearly as possible) – while we alternate between locations, methods, reforms, diets – the need always seems to remain the same, unfulfilled.

B: ...

A: So, the “outside” things keep on changing, but our “hunger,” as you called it – remains the same. So, I vary these outside sort of things, on, and on, and on – and, clearly, if the answer or solution would be “outside,” then one of these variations would finally have to work, and the chase would have to end.

B: But it does not end.

A: No, it does not. So, if the external things keep on changing, and yet the need remains the same, I have to ask myself – through all these external variations, what is there that always stays the same? What do I always “take with myself,” wherever I go, whatever I do (while everything outside, from the specific place to the educational policy, changes)?

B: Well?

A: Well, myself – isn’t it? The one constant amid all these places, people, or ways of doing things - is myself; so, given the fact that the “hunger” is the same, never satiated, no matter the external changes, clearly the origin or solution to the question is not in any of the external variations – but is somewhere inside, within myself. This is why I can go to a beautiful spot – and still feel (while nevertheless enjoying the place!) deep down unfulfilled, unsatisfied - even a bit melancholy. So, this is why I called these solutions, these things that we are chasing, “horizontal,” because the cause or source of the chase, its origin, seems to not be on the same plane as these... seems to be of a different nature... in a different direction.

B: Namely?

A: Well, I don't know - perhaps "vertical," or internal, or inner?... I’m trying to find the right words... In any case, of a different kind and nature and direction, than the solutions that we are ceaselessly chasing.

B: ...

A: Well, this need seems to be something deep within us, seemingly (perhaps) at the very foundation of our being. Because – and this was a momentous realization for me, when I understood this – our entire life is defined and driven by this deep need, starting from childhood! This is why we keep chasing, and projecting, and dreaming, throughout our lives – for an ideal place, an ideal person, for something in the future... So, so, if this need seems to be determine and to drive our very existence - if it seems to shape, deep down, our entire life - well, then, if ever there was a question to pose, and to try to answer, then this is it. Namely: what is this deep drive, that shapes our entire existence? What is its origin? Because, if I know what it is, perhaps I can also ...

B: ... get a chance to fill it? to fulfill it?

A: Well, that sounds ambitious... but still, I need to ask! So, yes, indeed - this is the question that's been keeping me up, for the past, I don’t know, maybe couple of years; and what I’ve been reading, asking, talking with people (like you) about,,, trying to understand – if anything, then this!

B: So, what have you found? What have you learned? I am curious! I am genuinely interested, because I agree with your, let’s say, existential diagnosis.

A: Well, what I've found, first of all - and the good news, in a way - is that this chase is a "common" chase, that seems to have been with us, human beings, since the beginning - since we've come about. So, yes, the good news is that we (you and I) are not alone, as there have been many others who have asked this question – and have tried to answer it, seriously. Like, for example, Graham Greene; Greene, who at least acknowledged (to himself, and to us) that he was engaged in various attempts at “escaping” - in other words, that he was in fact “being chased”...

B: Yes; so, what have you found?

A: This and that... But I think that I am on the right path  - along “vertical” lines, if I am to use that expression. Let me mention, for example, what Pascal (Blaise Pascal, whom I haven’t really read, but from whom I know bits and pieces) said, about this deep “void”...

B: “Void?”

A: ... or need (look, I am trying to find the right words); so, what he said about this deep inner need, that we are always trying to fill, or fulfill...

B: And what did he say?

A: Well, Pascal called this void the “God-shaped hole” that exists in every human heart.

B: [somewhat unenthusiastic] Ah, “God talk”...

A: Well, yes. [a bit annoyed] Or, should we talk instead about the transportation system in Japan? Would that be a better “answer” to this question? Or maybe a new diet? Or maybe...

B: No, but – I mean, I get what you are saying, but...

A: But what? Bear with me, please, for a second, still. You’ve heard of Augustine? Augustine of Hippo?

B: Yes, I have.

A: Well, I am more familiar with him, than with Pascal – I’ve read many of Augustine’s writings, and know about his life. Well, Augustine was a rich young man, coming from a well-off family; in his youth, he already had most of what human beings usually desire - wealth, renown, learning, human love... And yet – and yet! – he remained, you know... deeply restless. Sounds familiar?

B: Well, yes.

A: That’s what I am saying – we all share, all of us human beings, from the beginning of time, seemingly, the same hunger and need – and yet we are all too ready to dismiss the very few people who actually looked into this seriously (like Pascal, or Augustine), who have faced this inner need “face to face,” who had the courage to stop the endless, unconscious chase, and say – “Wait! stop! let me look into what is there, deep down inside of me, that is driving me so incessantly to chase after all these things; what is this deep hunger that seems to shape my entire existence...”

B: Ok, ok... so, what did Augustine say?

A: Honestly, I am glad that you are interested – and willing – to learn about what he said. I confess that it took me a while, as well, to make the mental “jump” that is seemingly needed in order to take these people (who lived before us) as seriously as they deserve to be taken... But, anyhow – what he said – remember, he was an endlessly restless and unsatisfied fellow, just like I am, as we are – what he said, after much internal opposition, was this: that “our heart is restless until it rests in You.” By which he meant the same thing as Pascal (although he lived more than a millennium before the Frenchman), that there seems to be a “God-shaped hole” in the human heart, which can not be satisfied by anything (by any “thing”!) “horizontally;“ because that void, that hole, that missing piece has the shape of, and thus can only be filled by, the thing that “left” that mark... And the need for this "thing" seems to fuels our entire lifelong chase. In other words, that it is “Him,” this vertical "thing," that we are actually pursuing, while chasing all those “horizontal,” always unsatisfactory solutions.

B: [brief silence] I must confess, I am still somewhat uncomfortable with all this “God talk”...

A: Well, let’s not call it God talk, then; let’s simply call it human questioning. Because, what have we been talking about, after all? Isn’t this your and my actual daily experience? Is anything that we talked about, out of the ordinary? Is this not my life, and your life, and our experience, in fact?

B: It is, but...

A; Or should we forget everything and just return to that anesthetizing avalanche of inspirational quotes, pretty images, news about Japan or Finland or country X in Scandinavia, pictures of mountaintops or sunny beaches – all those things that  - as we know – do not, and will not, in the end, satisfy what you yourself called our deep "hunger”? The question is, then (and this is why I started thinking about these things seriously) – do we want to keep being bamboozled, thrown hither and thither by all these fragments and dreams, which will not quell the hunger? Or, should we actually take the time to look existence "into the eyes," as it were, and finally talk about what is the most important thing? And to ask about the nature of that deep and abiding lack, or need, that we have, deep at the core of our being - never satisfiable by anything external? Or, should we just continue trying to find, together with Greene, newer and newer (and equally unsatisfactory) “ways of escape”? Because we know that it – this hunger, need, drive – will never stop, and we know that nothing will quench it - nothing “horizontal”, as it is clear by now...

B: Ok, ok... I am just not used...

A: But isn’t that the very problem – that nobody talks, in daily life, about what is really important? – but, meanwhile, everybody keeps furiously sharing and chasing and talking about these faux, horizontal "ways of escape"? This ideal place, that ideal recipe... and on, and on, and on we go – an endless merry-go-round, in which we sit, dumbed and anesthetized, not daring to ask, however, about the mechanism that drives it all... This is why - this is why I decided to actually stop and look into myself, and to ask people, and to read about what others have said, about this thing that drives our existence...

B: ...

A: And, as I said, what I’ve found is this – Pascal’s “God-shaped hole,” that exists in every human heart; and Augustine’s - remember, Augustine, who had it all! – realization of the fact that “our heart is restless until it rests in You.”

B: Ok, then – but, then, why is there this “hole?” Where is this “God” you talk about?

A: I don’t... I don’t have all the answers, I am still looking; this is why I am on this trip, as well. Listen, Augustine’s explanation is that this is because “You have made us for yourself, o Lord!’ – and thus nothing else, nothing (not even the prettiest things!) can take the place of the thing that we are actually chasing – and which seems to be both the origin (“you have made us”) and the destination (“for yourself”) of the chase.

[Pause]

B: But, this does not explain why we are chasing for - specifically - those kinds of things.

A: What do you mean?

B: Well, if the need is of a different kind, and is - inside us; why does that make us look for solutions externally, and for solutions of a certain kind; I mean, all these horizontal solutions have certain things in common - they are all, you know, pretty, beautiful, peaceful; so why these kinds of solutions?

A: Good question, good question... By the way, I did not tell you that in my “daily life” I am a “mountaineer.” I mean, I have a small company, called "Mountaineer," and we walk the mountains, and then write hiking guides... Yes, I love the mountains, so there’s no need to convince me about their beauty, majesty, even wholesomeness (and also about their dangers)... But nobody has to explain to me, either, that all this, all these mountains, still do not quench that - what you called hunger, but I would call "deep thirst.” So, now I am taking a break, to look more closely into this – because, everything else seems futile, otherwise.

B: You should tell me more about your company and your work. I, too, love the mountains...

A: Yes, but what I wanted to say – about what you asked – why do we chase those kinds of things... Well, from what I’ve read (and talked with some people about it), we are attracted by these things of beauty, peace... and not to something else, of a different kind – because they possess characteristics that are, as it were, an echo or a reflection of the thing that we are really chasing after – or, in a way, that is chasing us, deep down...

B: Reflections of the attributes of this “God”, as it were?

A: Listen, I don’t know; I am only looking into these things – but, they say, and you said as well, that what we look for, is perfection, the ideal – the perfect accomplishment and fulfillment...

B: ... of everything good, beautiful, healthy, wholesome, harmonious...

A: Which, as far as I know from my readings and discussions, are indeed the attributes of this “God” that both Augustine, and Pascal (and even Greene!) are talking about! (Greene, implicitly, because that’s what he was running away from, in fact.)

B: This is interesting... but...

A: Oh, no, this is my station! I have to run, otherwise I am going to miss my stop!

A jumps up, starts quickly gathering his things, and grabs a large travel bag from the overhead rack – and, while turning to rush out of the compartment, smiles and waves a quick “Good-bye!” toward B – and then runs down the hallway. B listens to his rushed steps, and then leans to look out through the window, and sees A stepping off the train briskly (just in time, as the train was already starting) and walking with confident steps toward the train station. B looks behind the station, and sees a hill extending upward, and, on top of it, a village of old stone houses; and, among them, somewhat to the left, a large, grey, stone building, looking like a cross between a medieval compound or fortification, and a large hostel - clearly built to welcome a good number of people. As the train is moving out of the station, B is looking to see a sign indicating the name of the place, but can’t find any; he turns therefore inward, toward the hallway of the train, waiting to see if someone who might have just gotten on the train - or maybe even the conductor - might pass by his compartment, so that he could stop them and ask, “What is this place? Who lives here? What can one find here?”